Conscious Versus Co-Dependent Relationships

Having clear-cut, non-demanding, frictionless relationships where we can be fully ourselves is currently viewed as a myth. We will demonstrate the principles of Conscious Co-Creative relationships on this website and in classes. It involves releasing a false self-image of who we are or were growing up. It suggests that many of our relationship exchanges are unconsciously painful, compromised and self-destructive. Higher Alignment proposes that we embody our creative nature and evolve beyond the relationship problems of conditioning, defenses and idealization that are common in our world. Let yourself question who you are as a creative being and what or whom do you serve? This path supports its members to acknowledge their creative destiny and design, so our relationships are fully transpersonal and free.

— From The Wise Old Sage Commentaries

The Yin and Yang of Co-Dependent Relationships

Why is it that our relationships become challenging adversarial and demanding? Why is it that the more we want a relationship the more difficult it is? The simple answer is that our fears and desires activate our needs, which forces us to negotiate an exchange. We believe a compromised relationship that serves some of our needs are better than the rare one that could serve all our needs. Every romantic relationship is full of expectations, mutual demands for performance, and the imposition of standards of caretaking. Why we constantly return to them is that we need others to validate our personal safety, security and self-importance.

One problem is that we are identified by our past behaviors, beliefs, and frustrated desires. We call these patterns parental Imprinting, Defenses and Pretenses. While we unify our personal expectations around these patterns, we become less flexible over time, until we become crystalized and unable to change. We build a sense of independence when we can define ourselves separately from our parents and partners, which initially spurs are development. Our reactions become the way we know our world and why we become so dedicated to using them to get what we want. Our demands increase the less we can adapt until we become the squeaky wheel that needs the grease.

"There are three false personality identities that define how we react: parental imprinting, defenses, and pretenses"

Larry Byram

If we succumb to the siren call of polarized attractions, we reinforce false personality perceptions over our beauty, truth and goodness. Outer appearance winds over inner beauty, Defensive agreement wins over truth and our reputation drowns out the voice of our goodness. Polarized instinctive attractions such as sexiness, smarts and reliability take over because we have denied our own beauty, truth and goodness. We can confirm this by how much we need our partner to see us, particularly in areas we deny. When attractions are dualistic relationships are expressed as a checkerboard of positions where we need others to affirm our insecurities.

"Co-Dependent attractions are unbalanced demands for acceptance based on false familiarity (Excitement), mutual fears (Intensity) and merged projections (Anxiety)."

Larry Byram

Co-dependence is when we rely on another to reinforce our perspective because we either do not know how to do it, or we refuse to because our partner would then reject us. It takes mutual denial of Life, Light and Love, to create personality substitutes in the form of false safety, security and self-important reassurance. Anytime we break a poisonous link to our personality needs, it causes confusion, dissonance and pain for our co-dependent partner. This is the result of defining our personality needs in terms of each other, so the more we need a partner, the more we want them to need us. This discourages change or growth because we want our partner to depend on us. 

The reason co-dependent relationships are initially so enticing is by ‘falling in love we feel stimulated and euphoric. Their experience of modalities (which is sensations, feelings, emotions, and thoughts) seem to open a lock where counterbalanced expressions become for a period, infatuating. Since every person because of parental and social repression, each has a unique mixture of overdone, underdone or closed expression of each modality so only a few individuals can tune into our unique creative combination.

When we want more from relationships, it activates our fears, desires and the need to control our partner. Without any malicious intention, we fall into comfortable patterns of seduction and enticement believing we are entitled due to our effort and relationship (compromise) skills. We either enforce expectations and role-playing, control and performance exchanges or romantically rescue another partner. This produces disassociation, disengagement or enmeshment patterns, respectively. The more we are not on the same page the shorter the relationship. Some of us repeatedly experience the pain of co-dependent breakups resolving not to get as involved.

Bringing the Tao of Relationships into Harmony

Co-Creative relationships begin with internalized healthy balanced sensations, feelings emotions and thoughts. Any imbalance in these experiential modalities invites Co-Dependence, as we are attracted to people that externally counterbalance our weaknesses, with their strengths. Co-Dependence is therefore two parts trying to make one complete human. Since our modalities also define our masculine (sensations & thoughts) and feminine (feelings and emotions) sides at the base of our perceptions, our degree of imbalance between our masculine and feminine unconsciously invites it opposite. Therefore, Co-Dependent relationships seek balance externally with Co-Creative relationships are internally free to choose what connections will work in each moment.

Co-creative relationships are not based on the exchange of needs, although there is much more sharing. They do not involve painful breakups, because they are composed of conscious mutual choices. The only surprises are about who we could be or how we could creatively operate as conscious partners. Since we adopt unified attractions, such as Autonomous Aliveness, Intimate Vulnerability and Creative Responsiveness there is no comparison, competition, or negation of participants. Every experience attracts aligned partners based on bringing together their beauty, truth and goodness with ours. This shift from negative, polarized attractions to positive, unified attractions changes the way we learn and grow from each other. If this is something you want to know more about, become a member of our group and receive a free booklet on Co-dependence to Co-Creativity.

Co-Creative relationships possess the tools to know when we are out of balance in our masculine and feminine. Growth can we shared or kept internal when partners do not want to follow our lead. We use Autonomy to know when to speak our complete truth and when not too. We can appropriately reveal our intimacy and vulnerability in serve to deeper bonding and mutual trust. Mutual learning and co-creativity are the hallmarks that distinguish conscious relationships from those that are not. Being in relationships where our creative choices are always our own where there is reflection and re-creation by our partners is what makes these partnerships great.

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"Co-Creative attractions are autonomous but able to be mutual since they are self-defined, they do not require agreement and abhor any need for seduction or convincing."

Larry Byram
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