Conscious Versus Co-Dependent Relationships
The Yin and Yang of Co-Dependent Relationships
Why is it that our relationships become challenging, adversarial and demanding? Why is it that the more we want a relationship, the more difficult it is? The simple answer is that our fears and desires activate our needs, which force us to negotiate an exchange. We believe a compromised relationship that serves some of our needs is better than the rare one that could serve all our needs. Every romantic relationship is full of expectations, mutual demands for performance, and the imposition of standards of caretaking. Why we constantly return to them is that we need others to validate our personal Safety: 1. maintaining a state of well being in this moment 2. driving force of … (click the word for the full definition), Security: 1. maintaining a state of well being through time 2. a driving force o… (click the word for the full definition) and self-importance.
All co-dependent relationships operate on three cultural assumptions: 1] the other person should make us feel safe; 2] we have a mutual obligation to create security together; and 3] in order to manifest our self-importance, we need to be in control. This creates reactions: 1] When we don’t want to include our Partner: 1. a person who takes part in some activity in common with another or o… (click the word for the full definition) in everything; 2] When we want to be independent; and 3] When our partner always has to prove themselves better. These reactions lead to many situations where it is safer to isolate, separate or insulate than to actually engage our partner.
One problem is that we are identified by our past behaviors, Beliefs: 1. Primarily unexamined assumptions where we reinforce a perception of … (click the word for the full definition), and frustrated desires. We call these patterns parental Imprinting: 1. an acceptance mechanism used by infants and young children to ens… (click the word for the full definition), Defenses and Pretenses: 1. specialized roles we develop to enhance our ability to superficial… (click the word for the full definition). While we unify our personal expectations around these patterns, we become less flexible over time, until we become crystalized and unable to change. We build a sense of Independence: 1. condition or objective of defining oneself outside of the contr… (click the word for the full definition) when we can define ourselves separately from our parents and partners, which initially spurs our development. Our reactions become the way we know our world, and why we become so dedicated to using reactions to get what we want. Our demands increase the less we can adapt, until we become the squeaky wheel that needs the grease.
Co-Dependent attractions are unbalanced demands for acceptance based on false familiarity (Excitement), mutual fears (Intensity), and merged projections (Anxiety).
Co-dependence is when we rely on another to reinforce our perspective, because we either do not know how to do it, or we refuse to because our partner would then reject us. It takes mutual denial of Life, Light and Love to create personality substitutes in the form of false safety, security and self-importance reassurance. Anytime we break a poisonous link to our personality needs, it causes confusion, dissonance and pain for our co-dependent partner. This is the result of defining our personality needs in terms of each other, so the more we need a partner, the more we want them to need us. This discourages change or Growth: 1. an evolutionary Aliveness or life building process 2. reflects an abi… (click the word for the full definition), because we want our partner to depend on us.
The reason co-dependent relationships are initially so enticing is that by ‘falling in love’ we feel stimulated and euphoric. Our Experience: 1. the apprehension and transformation of reality, circumstances, or… (click the word for the full definition) of modalities (which is sensations, feelings, emotions, and thoughts) seems to open a lock where counter-balanced expressions (modalities) become, for a period, infatuating. Because of parental and society repression, only a few people can match our circuitry or match our particular needs. Excitement: 1. being agitated on a physical level due to the belief that some in… (click the word for the full definition) tells us they reflect our parental ideals. Since we are all repressed by society and our family, we seek out those with complementary strengths, to complete us, rather than being whole ourselves. The problem is that, if one person changes their distortion Balance: 1. The power or ability to maintain equilibrium under adverse circumsta… (click the word for the full definition), the other person will seek to push them back into their old pattern.
When we want more from relationships, it activates our fears, desires and the need to control our partner. Without any malicious intention, we fall into comfortable patterns of seduction and enticement believing we are entitled due to our effort and Relationship Skills: 1. a set of perceptual distinctions that represent twelve d… (click the word for the full definition) which we use to compromise. We either enforce expectations and role-playing, control and performance exchanges, or romantically rescue another partner. This produces disassociation, Disengagement: 1. a state of being released or free from obligation, occupation… (click the word for the full definition) or Enmeshment: 1. an entangled state of being where we define ourselves mutually i… (click the word for the full definition) patterns, respectively. The more we are not on the same page, the shorter the relationship. Some of us repeatedly experience the pain of co-dependent breakups, resolving not to get as involved.
Bringing the Tao of Relationships into Harmony
Co-Creative relationships begin with internalized, healthy and balanced sensations, feelings emotions and thoughts. Any imbalance in these experiential modalities invites Co-Dependence, as we are attracted to people who externally counterbalance our weaknesses with their strengths. Co-Dependence is therefore two-parts trying to make one complete human. Since our modalities also define our Masculine: 1. on a Gender Identity level, it reflects operating as a male 2. bey… (click the word for the full definition) (sensations & thoughts) and Feminine: 1. on a Gender Identity level it refers to being female 2. on levels b… (click the word for the full definition) (feelings and emotions) sides at the base of our perceptions, the degree of imbalance between our masculine and feminine unconsciously invites its opposite. Therefore, Co-Dependent relationships seek balance externally, while Co-Creative relationships are internally free to choose what connections will work in each moment.
Co-creative relationships are not based on the exchange of needs, although there is much more sharing. They do not involve painful breakups, because they are composed of Conscious: 1. a state of presence that is aware of itself, self reflecting, and … (click the word for the full definition) mutual choices. The only surprises are about who we could be or how we could creatively operate as conscious partners. When we adopt unified attractions(such as Autonomous Aliveness: 1. The capacity to engage others in a vibrant and awakened manner wit… (click the word for the full definition), Intimate Vulnerability, and Creative Responsiveness) there is no comparison, competition or negation of participants. Every experience attracts aligned partners based on bringing together their Beauty: 1. A state of awe, wonder and wholeness arising when we transcend our mi… (click the word for the full definition), truth and goodness with ours. This shift from negative, polarized attractions to positive, unified attractions changes the way we learn and grow from each other. If this is something you want to know more about, become a member of our group and receive a free booklet on Co-dependence to Co-Creativity.
Co-Creative attractions are autonomous but able to be mutual. Since they are self-defined, they do not require agreement and abhor any need for seduction or convincing.
Co-Creative relationships possess the tools to know when we are out of balance in our masculine and feminine. Growth can be shared, or kept internal when partners individually do not want to grow or change. Co-dependent partners demand that others follow their lead and if a partner doesn’t agree, they just withdraw. We use Autonomy: 1. The fact or condition of being self-governed that allows us to sepa… (click the word for the full definition) to know when to speak our complete truth and when not to. We can appropriately reveal our Intimacy: 1. the state or fact of being Self-reflective and reflective of our pa… (click the word for the full definition) and vulnerability in service to deeper bonding and mutual Trust: 1. faith or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, e… (click the word for the full definition). Even in co-dependent relationships, there is an expectation that we will spend time together, even if it is not of mutual interest. Mutual learning and co-creativity are the hallmarks that distinguish Conscious Relationships: 1. any type of relationship wherein both parties unders… (click the word for the full definition) from those that are not. Being in relationships where our creative choices are always our own, where there is reflection and re-creation by our partners, is what makes these partnerships great.