Anxiety & Comparison Blues
When we seek ideals and they do not match our reality, it creates anxiety. This leads to a need to prove our self-importance by showing we are better. Idealization leads to comparisons where we fall in love with those who convince us of their goodness.
— From The Wise Old Sage Commentaries
Partners In Progress – Idealized Level
Finally, some people fall in love with the idea of love, which is the deadliest form. They want someone to believe in partners, come rain or shine, and idealize what they do and how they do it, without criticism. They are unwilling to consider the effects of their partners’ weaknesses and hope that something magical will change the course of events. These individuals love their personal idea of goodness and believe the ends justify the means, so they cut corners to make things happen. Personality self-importance is the ideal they unconsciously worship, which means they cannot see their own glamourGlamour: 1. a Hindu term that reflects an attachment to things that enhance our … and hubris. As a result, they project their weaknesses on the partners to make themselves the ideal.
On the idealized level, we demonstrate our love by taking care of our partnerPartner: 1. a person who takes part in some activity in common with another or o… based on our ideals, not realizing that our partners have different ideals. To moderate the different ideals, we use quid-pro-quo personality love exchanges to demonstrate that our partners need us and it is in their interest to support us. We do this by focusing on the infinite love (no matter what happens), eternal love (though all-time) and glamourous love (you are uniquely important and special). Of course, this is usually a personality delusion because it reflects how many self-compromises we are unwilling to make. Most of these claims are desires that are emotionally accurate but are not complete real promises. If you consider these promises, which only reflect aspirations, it describes being a slave to your partner’s needs.
Anxiety in a Co-Dependent relationship is seen as a bonus in a partner: It provides leverage, and anxious partners are easier to manipulate.
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Falling in loveFalling in Love: 1. the quality or state of being associated with Instinctive Lo… with our self-importance means we need a partner who can also be important and fully loves us. We think that mutual love is practical on the idealized level, although we probably have never achieved it. This is because we fully believe that we are aligned in love if we have similar ideals. The logic is excellent, but people have learned how to deceive themselves, particularly when it comes to their ideals. Many people believe they share the ideal of their friends, but actions can prove this assumption wrong. What people do is a better reflection of their true ideals. On the idealized level, we choose partners based on possible ideals and then find out that we are not committed to our ideals or to them. This is when falling in love is the worst.
The three indicators of desire on the idealized level are availabilityAvailability: 1. The ability to marshal our resources so that we can consciously… and appreciationAppreciation: 1. The acknowledgment of alignment in our intent with another 2. T… and the combination of both. To individuals that have been insulated from others (usually the repression of feelings and emotions), these types of outreach mean their dreams can be finally fulfilled. This activates abstract creative thoughtThought: 1. electromagnetic fields that are born in the process of thinking 2. a…, where we create greater meaning with those who meet this serendipitous quality. Idealized falling in love means we were drawn together for a purpose, that we make us better. We seek similarities or make them up in an attempt to create a larger contribution. Mostly these similarities are not as important as the commitmentCommitment: 1. A pledge or promise to engage or produce some result 2. A quality… we make to be there for each other. While it is usually well-intentioned, we frequently do not know how our authentic contribution will change our idealized creative connectionConnection: 1. the first step in the Seven Steps of Enlightened Dating where we … with our partner.
In effect, we learn that we are not who we thought we were. Our personality was great at organizing and building an artificial future that we did not really want. We are great at seducing others into our dreams because we did it to ourselves first. The giveaway that this is a false ideal is our personal and potential partner’s high anxiety. Anxiety indicates we are trying to play a part and be irritatingly perfect for gaining the acceptanceThe acknowledgment of another for some way of being (click the word for the full definition), admirationAdmiration: 1. Invites the acknowledgment of value for what we contribute 2. The…, adorationAdoration: 1. The acknowledgment of our potential as part of our creative connec… and adulation of others. This is revealed by the constant need to compare ourselves to others, build our status, and name-drop our contacts. The cost is the over-extension of our energies, imbalances in our creative expression and the projectionProjection: 1. a defensive framework where we are unwilling to accept our own we… of false goodness, which can make us sick. We survive in a state of hyper-vigilance and social stress by becoming an expert in manipulating the feelings and emotions of others. The cost is insulation and the crystallization of our growthGrowth: 1. an evolutionary Aliveness or life building process 2. reflects an abi… and aspirations.
The way we address idealized love is to see its limitations. This means doing an inventory of our weaknesses, so we can be truthful and upfront about our challenges. We need to be human to be fully loved. This means accepting that we need to see the good and the bad and engage both in ourselves and our partner. Some call this accepting our shadow side, which is a part of our defensive distortions. The more we strive to improve ourselves, the more we can see how much there is yet to do. This produces creative and authentic humility, empathy and compassion with people. This capacity for intimate vulnerability is where we derive strength for our feminineFeminine: 1. on a Gender Identity level it refers to being female 2. on levels b… side. When coupled with an awareness of differences and similarities, it permits us to experienceExperience: 1. the apprehension and transformation of reality, circumstances, or… the alignmentAlignment: 1. A condition of close cooperation or shared intention where compati… (click the word for the full definition) of creative partners without idealization, defenses and sexual attachments.
In effect, we learn that we are not who we thought we were. Our personality was great at organizing and building an artificial future that we did not really want. We are great at seducing others into our dreams because we did it to ourselves first. The giveaway that this is a false ideal is our personal and potential partner’s high anxiety. Anxiety indicates we are trying to play a part and be irritatingly perfect for gaining the acceptance, admiration, adoration and adulation of others. This is revealed by the constant need to compare ourselves to others, build our status, and name-drop our contacts. The cost is the over-extension of our energies, imbalances in our creative expression and the projection of false goodness, which can make us sick. We survive in a state of hyper-vigilance and social stress by becoming an expert in manipulating the feelings and emotions of others. The cost is insulation and the crystallization of our growth and aspirations.
The way we address idealized love is to see its limitations. This means doing an inventory of our weaknesses, so we can be truthful and upfront about our challenges. We need to be human to be fully loved. This means accepting that we need to see the good and the bad and engage both in ourselves and our partner. Some call this accepting our shadow side, which is a part of our defensive distortions. The more we strive to improve ourselves, the more we can see how much there is yet to do. This produces creative and authentic humility, empathy and compassion with people. This capacity for intimate vulnerability is where we derive strength for our feminine side. When coupled with an awareness of differences and similarities, it permits us to experience the alignment of creative partners without idealization, defenses and sexual attachments.
In effect, we learn that we are not who we thought we were. Our personality was great at organizing and building an artificial future that we did not really want. We are great at seducing others into our dreams because we did it to ourselves first. The giveaway that this is a false ideal is our personal and potential partner’s high anxiety. Anxiety indicates we are trying to play a part and be irritatingly perfect for gaining the acceptance, admiration, adoration and adulation of others. This is revealed by the constant need to compare ourselves to others, build our status, and name-drop our contacts. The cost is the over-extension of our energies, imbalances in our creative expression and the projection of false goodness, which can make us sick. We survive in a state of hyper-vigilance and social stress by becoming an expert in manipulating the feelings and emotions of others. The cost is insulation and the crystallization of our growth and aspirations.
The way we address idealized love is to see its limitations. This means doing an inventory of our weaknesses, so we can be truthful and upfront about our challenges. We need to be human to be fully loved. This means accepting that we need to see the good and the bad and engage both in ourselves and our partner. Some call this accepting our shadow side, which is a part of our defensive distortions. The more we strive to improve ourselves, the more we can see how much there is yet to do. This produces creative and authentic humility, empathy and compassion with people. This capacity for intimate vulnerability is where we derive strength for our feminine side. When coupled with an awareness of differences and similarities, it permits us to experience the alignment of creative partners without idealization, defenses and sexual attachments.
Idealization of ourselves or our partner minimizes our ability to see the negative aspects of the relationship, producing superficial attempts to be good.
Larry Byram Tweet
Idealization of love is the result of third-level co-dependence. It is the deepest because the activation of our defenses and development of some of our Creative Expressions have generated many contradictory masculineMasculine: 1. on a Gender Identity level, it reflects operating as a male 2. bey… and feminine expressions that are anchored within our partner, producing full enmeshmentEnmeshment: 1. an entangled state of being where we define ourselves mutually i…. Until we can re-build our autonomyAutonomy: 1. The fact or condition of being self-governed that allows us to sepa… from the inside out, our wounding will continue to attract opposite ‘masculine/feminine wounded’ individuals. This is when falling in love takes years off our lives, for we rarely have the energy to sustain it. As idealized relationships operate based upon delusion, it is harder to predict when they will end, usually in 7 months to 5 years. Some individuals never give up their idealizations, just the people.