Intensity and Competition Blues
— From The Wise Old Sage Commentaries
Status Quo Contracts – Intellectual Level
Falling in loveFalling in Love: 1. the quality or state of being associated with Instinctive Lo… with power and success is a great prelude to falling in love with a person of position or status and grit. Are we falling in love with our dream of power and success, or the person who we believe will give it to us? It is easy to see how people can put up with a lot of personality issues if there seems to be a large payoff.
We call this level of relationship a Status Quo Contract because it is initially two strong independent people trying to serve their own needs. They are negotiating power differences for the purpose of optimizing their own securitySecurity: 1. maintaining a state of well being through time 2. a driving force o…. The attraction is powerful because it reflects how we have denied parts of our creative nature that our potential partnerPartner: 1. a person who takes part in some activity in common with another or o… outwardly demonstrates. In short, defensive chemistry is how opposites attract each other when they are incomplete. This creates the paradoxParadox: 1. a statement of two simultaneously conflicting truths that encourage … and conflictConflict: 1. a perception, either internal, external or both where different Mot… that we need to prove our independenceIndependence: 1. condition or objective of defining oneself outside of the contr…, but our partner prevents it to maintain security.
The three indicators of desire on the intellectualIntellectual: 1. a dualistic framework where our positions reflect a partial vie… level are admirationAdmiration: 1. Invites the acknowledgment of value for what we contribute 2. The… (Self Esteem), adorations (Self-Respect) and the desire to be both to prove we do not need others. By negotiating, we create a mediocre result in our flatland of desire because we will not grant our partners the freedomFreedom: 1. a state of responsiveness, an ability to creatively act, cleanly wit… to grow as they wish. To individuals that have been separated, competing itself becomes an ideal because it stimulates both parties to greater achievement. So, we choose opposite-attraction partners who will fight to the death to prove their own greatness versus ours.
Falling in love with power and success is a great prelude to falling in love with a person of position or status and grit. Are we falling in love with our dream of power and success, or the person who we believe will give it to us? It is easy to see how people can put up with a lot of personality issues if there seems to be a large payoff.
We call this level of relationship a Status Quo Contract because it is initially two strong independent people trying to serve their own needs. They are negotiating power differences for the purpose of optimizing their own security. The attraction is powerful because it reflects how we have denied parts of our creative nature that our potential partner outwardly demonstrates. In short, defensive chemistry is how opposites attract each other when they are incomplete. This creates the paradox and conflict that we need to prove our independence, but our partner prevents it to maintain security.
The three indicators of desire on the intellectual level are admiration (Self Esteem), adorations (Self-Respect) and the desire to be both to prove we do not need others. By negotiating, we create a mediocre result in our flatland of desire because we will not grant our partners the freedom to grow as they wish. To individuals that have been separated, competing itself becomes an ideal because it stimulates both parties to greater achievement. So, we choose opposite-attraction partners who will fight to the death to prove their own greatness versus ours.
Intensity reflects unresolved intellectual/emotional conflict, so we become overtly or covertly demanding that others do as we say, resulting in power struggles.
This creates a love/hate relationship because we need the partner, but they cannot – or will not – see or affirm us. When we are in this type of relationship, one person has difficulties separating their needs from their mothers while the other has fun separating themselves from their partner. We tend to believe that what is good for us will be good for our partners. This leads to partners being compromised, subjectified, and diminished in their own autonomyAutonomy: 1. The fact or condition of being self-governed that allows us to sepa…. In effect, the relationship warps us and minimizes any degree of equality.
We fall in love when we realize that our partners are committed to us even when wrong. This ability to ask for support (and their willingness to give it to us because they can feel superior) convinces us that we are in love. We try to be rational (either intellectually or emotionally) about our choices, and we want our partners to understand our process. We discover that they do not care about the process as much as they want us to be okay and not demanding. This gets interpreted as love when it is merely an exchange. Love becomes transactional because it is all our material and intellectual goals. When our partner agrees to our needs, it convinces us that we are loved. If that is not enough, we come to love their intensity and drive because it tells us they will take us to the goals we mutually possess.
Falling in Love through Defensive Chemistry means we are looking for a workmate with opposite reactive patterns in order to provide the illusionIllusion: 1. a Hindu term reflecting how partial beliefs about something do not ... of security.
Falling in love intellectually is based on our incomplete positional thinking. We secretly need a person that can complement our perspective, particularly when we do not know what to do. Having a different partner can calm the situation, and they can suggest better choices. We also fall in love with the idea that our partner will take care of the pesky thoughts or emotions that we may not be as clear about. Even if we do not acknowledge them, many of our breakthroughs are inspired by our partners. The problem is that their suggestions often repulse us because they trigger inner experiences of the unknown where creative self-denial makes us uncomfortable with potential enmeshmentEnmeshment: 1. an entangled state of being where we define ourselves mutually i…. It becomes easier to fixate on our positions and use intensity to fight for our right not to look unintelligent.
Positions, because they are only half-truths, are incomplete and unbalanced. This reflects that truth is complete and balanced between thoughts & emotions, masculineMasculine: 1. on a Gender Identity level, it reflects operating as a male 2. bey… and feminineFeminine: 1. on a Gender Identity level it refers to being female 2. on levels b… and identified in this moment alone (not the past or the future). Taking positions to hide what we do not understand and construct a defensive framework for justifying our choices. Most important to this discussion is that falling in love is the painful way of defining yourself in terms of your limitations, so you need a person that can bring a little light to your darkness. When you fall in love, your co-dependence defines how much you are willing to compromise for your security. Unfortunately, defense patterns only promise security without delivering it.
Defensive positions are convenient ways to build shame and arroganceArrogance: 1. A state of being wherein one is overly attached to what one knows,... as we establish our idea of authority and order and impose it on the situation.
Why do we make such choices? We are seeking to be better than the strong parent or another authoritarian figure we admire. But the independent, solid or soft figure that we choose is our self-judged opposite because we cannot see our wholeness. Most people fall in love with polar opposites so they can eventually feel complete and prove themselves in the world. Partners who affirm our creative denial and opposite defenses keep us alert and edgy, so sparks frequently fly. We stake out positions and defend them to prove our intellectual or emotional (moral high ground) superiority.
The challenge is that anger and contempt escalate in Status Quo ContractsStatus Quo Contracts: 1. a tacit or presumed agreement to establish a fair excha..., making our connectionConnection: 1. the first step in the Seven Steps of Enlightened Dating where we ... a conditional transaction based on their performance.
What do you do when your partner is your savior? Why do we keep repeating these life lesson differences with people who cannot engage us and then not allow ourselves time to heal? The answer is that we need to be seen by those who are the same as us, but our desire to be loved keeps us looking in the wrong places. We believe in our defenses over our creativityCreativity: 1. a response to a situation where some new possibility can Transmut… so we argue, fight, and use makeup sex to continue the relationship. We finally drive each other to polarized exhaustion, where contempt flourishes.
The Status Quo Contract agreement that we make is about security but is rarely holds up and requires re-negotiation frequently. Both partners feel unseen and need more significant compensation in the form of compromise and co-dependent reassurance to offset the separation they feel. The separation breeds contempt, which signifies that the relationship is being slowly poisoned. The result is that we become resentful of partners who are competitors as they cannot see us and our accomplishments. Relationships at the intellectual level usually average 4 – 6 years, although they can range from 3 – 8 years.