Making Love Real

Personality love is an external perspective of what we can get from others, while Radiant Self Unifying Love in an internal perspective of what we can most appropriately give to others. This requires self-understanding, experience and a recognition of whether others could benefit from our contributions. Radiant Self Unifying Love is best received by conscious individuals who will respond to the intent, if not the content.

— From The Wise Old Sage Commentaries

Comparing Personality Love To Radiant Self Unifying Love

Everyone seeks to be loved. We also want to love others. The problem is that when our personality and defenses get in the way of love, our needs place demands on others to be what we want them to be to receive our love. On a creative level, personality frameworks are unnecessary. When we accept ourselves as creatively complete, we have no need or desire to change others in any way. This means our love is also unified, complete and unconditional. We call this Radiant Self Unifying Love because it is sourced within us, and we are the actual beneficiaries of our contributions to others. Therefore, we call Higher Alignment a Top-Down, Inside Out consciousness-building, transformation process.

The difference between ‘falling’ in love and choosing love reflects our capacity to see beyond ourselves. Personality love amplifies our isolation, separation and insulation, believing we need others to augment our safety, security and self-importance. In contrast, Radiant Self Unifying Love creates connections to better contribute to others and the world. Radiant Self Unifying Love deals with all options because we are not trying to impress, negotiate, or control our partner to get what we want. Radiant Self Unifying Love is different because it contains few if any personality desires. Instead, conscious individuals invest in discovering transpersonal desires where we can unify our purpose, combine our energy, and focus on bringing out the best in everyone involved.

Transpersonal Desires and the Need to Contribute anchor Co-Creative Responsiveness, so we need to know where our Alignment brings out our best.

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The last difference is that personality love is in pursuit of the easiest path, which is why we fall in love and leave it up to fate. At the same time, Radiant Self Unifying Love requires self-conscious, creative understanding and the difficult process of learning by taking risks. This means personality love rewards hopes and dreams that fall apart quickly, while people in Radiant Self-Unifying Love choose partners based on demonstrated abilities that makes conscious relationships easier as we learn what works. It takes growth, autonomy, intimacy and co-creative development to put together the foundation of conscious loving relationships. This, combined with an appreciation of Higher Alignment Motives, Attractions and Compatibilities Factors, supports the development of Radiant Self Unifying Love.

Instinctive Love: Love as Sex, Possession and Objectification

Personality love is driven by the desire for pleasure, requiring excitement (a distraction) to convince a partner that they want to be close to us. We use our own social isolation (feeling distanced) as a reason for our partner to choose us (because we think they are also isolated), despite mutual fears of being hurt. This is amplified by the guilt we feel at wanting what we want, knowing that it may not be completely agreeable to the other person. Sexual contact becomes the bait to overcome our hesitation and loneliness, and to experience a momentary sense of closeness (orgasm). Excitement is triggered when our partner is like one of our parents, reflecting our incomplete parental pattern.

Jealously, Sexual Possessiveness and Attachments corrupt the nature of Excitement, through the Objectification of Partners.

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If a partner meets or exceeds our expectations, we believe they are willing to support us in healing from past, high-friction relationships. We fall in love because we seek a reason to convince us to stay, even though it is probably a false hope of safety. When we do fall in love, it creates the expectation that our partners will heal us regarding previously unexpressed parental attention, acceptance and understanding. We want them to show us that they believe in us, accept our way of doing things, and can express the love that was withheld from us. Most of all, we want them to affirm our natural creative spirit or aliveness, which until now we have denied.

Excitement is the co-dependent agitation attraction that occurs when we are engaging parental partner substitutes. It reflects a mixture of fear and desire where we can be entranced by the possibility of pleasure. We are agitated by the familiar patterns of our partners, and they unconsciously remind us of our parents. We have mixed experiences of closeness with our partners being unsafe, even if we want safety more than anything else. Chaos and new experiences challenge our comfort, making it difficult to explore new options. Our conditioning (based on the familiar and unfamiliar) distorts our ability to accept our life energy expression and intent. Therefore, we end up objectifying others and being attracted to those who meet our appearance or ‘type’ standards. The problem is we do not question or examine if these factors are helping us to choose great partners.

In ignoring Inner Beauty, we are Entranced by an imaginary picture or type of person that will not hurt us, but they will endlessly.

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On the instinctive level, personality love is equated with sex, possessiveness, and pursuing objects of outer beauty. The pursuit mode is affected by the volatile mixture of endorphins and dopamine with some serotonin. It frequently leads to jealousy and conflicts regarding intimacy as closeness and independence as distance. This leads to misinterpretation about what attraction is and the degree to which we need to possess, subdue or degrade our partners to prevent them from hurting us anymore. In Higher Alignment, three types of sexual activity correspond to three ways we distance ourselves from our partner. Instead of presence, we play our roles to keep ourselves from being hurt. This type of game-playing is expected. 

Intellectual Love: Love as Conditional Exchange of Needs, Subjectification

On the intellectual level, love is a negotiation where we present the benefits of having a relationship to offset the insecurities that show up in having or not having a partner. This reflects that we are seeking a companion who we need to feel will do what we say and listen to us. Protective love is what a provider offers to distract themselves from the fact that they cannot nurture themselves. Directive love is what a nurturer offers to distract themselves from the fact that they have no power to control their own circumstances. When love becomes a negotiation, how our partner responds to our suggestions provides either comfort or discomfort.

Competition and Fighting show love as Intensity, where we need to prove ourselves right and powerful to acquire a voice that Subjectifies Others.

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In co-dependent, opposite-attraction relationships, we seek to be with different types of individuals because we do not know who we are creatively. We want our partner to push us to be effective and successful based on an agreement about life goals and how much it would be easier if we accomplished them together. This means love is about the exchange of needs. If you have what I want, and I have what you want, then we should be successful. We, therefore, become hooked on the idea of covering all our bases by having a partner with an opposite skill set. While this may work initially, it also limits our ability to grow because growth would require us to expand into our partner’s zone of influence.

When there is a breach or the relationship becomes uncomfortable, we attempt to negotiate better terms. This is when the third type of conditional love emerges, called quid-pro-quo exchange, which means if you do this for me, I will do something for you. We fall in love with a partner when we believe they will put us first, or at least put our main goals first ahead of their own. And they do the same. The exchange of needs initially builds a sense of security, which speaks to the reliability and confidence we ultimately need to commit ourselves to a longer-term relationship.

Through defensive thinking we forget or deny our Truth because it has no value to the Subjectifier's that are in positions of Authority..

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Intensity is the co-dependent, shared discomfort-attraction that occurs when we are engaging opposite attraction partners on the intellectual level. Intensity produces time-compression, which limits both parties’ choices about things that they agree to do. It reflects our belief that compromise is inevitable and that we need to learn to live with our discomfort. Intensity is a mixture of fear and desire, with desire driving the process by defining everything in terms of our wants and needs. This forces us to do a lot more analysis regarding our ability to meet their expectations while they meet ours. We then attempt to make partners need us more, so we can leverage them. If we could sincerely complement our partners for how they make our lives better, it would elevate this personality expression of love to the next level. Unfortunately, our need for control minimizes this possibility. This subjectification distortion, where we need to be in charge, only serves to separate us more. 

Defensive chemistry is about the perception of who wins or loses in the relationship. There are both overt and covert winners in a matchup. The idea is to leverage our wins to get what we want. Sometimes that leads to dominance/submission games. It exhausts us by amplifying our dopamine and then being hit by the combination of cortisol, causing fear of the difference and repulsion. The main indicator we are in this level of relationship is that we experience a love/hate relationship with our partners. The main problem is that co-dependence leads us to believe that we do not have better options to get where we want to go with another, particularly because of the investment we made. Therefore, these opposite attraction relationships are hard to break once we establish them.

Idealized Love: Love as Ideals,  ‘Specialness’ Idealization

On the idealized level, individuals choose partners to love because they think their belief in them will bring out their greatness. By believing in our vision and our partner’s vision, we mutually inflate our egos. Or one of the partners becomes the ideal that the other must live up to. Personality love (where we prove ourselves by how much we sacrifice ourselves for our partner) is about how much I make you feel important. This is accentuated by the bonding mind-chemical of oxytocin, where we temporally feel a state of euphoria. This reflective enchantment can be sustained for months when we meet individuals who possess some degree of creative alignment, fit our type, and seem successful. This is when all of our personality forms of instinctive love, intellectual love, and idealized love are activated at once. To elevate our love, we have the consciousness to see beyond our personality attractions and chose partners based upon capacity to co-create with us.

Envy, Comparison and Drama all promote Anxiety, thereby denying our goodness and wholeness through Self-Importance and Idealization.

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Idealization leads us to believe that love equals having congruent ideals. This is a delusion. The more the relationship seems special, the more likely we are to ‘fall’ in love. Unfortunately, being special could be just another way of being enmeshed, even when it contains a certain degree of feeling and emotional insulation that allows us to feel we may not be able to be hurt. Initially, when we get to know each other, we focus on the positive sides of our partners and how much goodness they possess. Over time, we often discover that how we interpret their goodness is not so much about who they are but who they think they should be to impress others. If we want to love them in a Radiant Self Unifying manner, we need to eliminate our idealization and love them, seeing both the good and the bad so our mutual humanity is revealed. 

The three idealization traps of overdoing trust, false unity, and fake service often show up as pretenses that hide lower motives. We can validate this when partners claim they will love us despite any obstacle (infinite love), despite getting old (eternal love), and that their ‘special relationship’ makes them love us more each day (falling into glamorous love). These are the main ways we demonstrate love and expect love from others at the idealized level. While we believe that the more we learn to know them, the more we will love them, it is not always completely good. Though there can be some truth in the value of knowing our partner, it usually occurs in the degree of repulsions we experience when they do not end up meeting us in our personality desires. In conscious relationships, we accept both the good and bad and do not want to change our partner because it will increase their repulsions about us.

We find ourselves attempting to be good superficially by visibility contributing to charities or acting like we care when we give up and insulate ourselves.

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The more we believe that we need our partners to be happy, the more influential they are. This leads to a lot of projections by our partner that create discomfort in us. Since a projection only works when the receiver accepts the projections, this means our partners carry our shadow-side. Our enmeshment and need to be seen are at odds with our need to be perfect and adored by our partner. What makes this more difficult is when we want our partner to believe in our image, but it is false. This is the source of conflicts on the idealized level and makes our relationships very complicated. The redeeming value of this relationship is that we become more appreciative of creative similarities. This indicates that we are learning to strip away our imprinting and pretenses that cover up our authentic creative nature. It allows us to discover and show our true creative expressions, which enhances our ability to love our Self as we are, and thus to love our partner.

Co-Creative Love: Radiant Self Unifying Love 

Radiant Self Unifying Love defines how we show up when we want to contribute to someone. Loving someone is not a personality status program because when we consciously contribute to someone we love, it is not about currying favor but connecting. This means we cannot separate our creative nature from who we love. Our desire to be of service guides our choices, and we affirm our intent. By being ourselves with no imprinting, defenses, or pretenses, it reveals our natural creative being. Being who we are is not only a gift to others but a gift to ourselves because we can love who we are as well. The most important element that makes this happen is that we no longer use our personality perspective of who we should be to demand respect, esteem, or love. Without any need or desire to negotiate, we show up with empty hands, willing to work on individual or co-creative projects.

Conscious Presence and honesty encourage openness, availability and appreciation of partners completeness (both good and bad without judgment).

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This sense of humility comes from a natural recognition that our humanity can only reveal our greatness. The more human we are, the more loveable others will find us to be. This reflects that secrecy, hiding out, or any form of manipulation only destroys the possibilities of love. Instinctively, when we think we are objects, we try to possess our partners, which is our attempt to extract their creative essence because we have denied our own. When we define ourselves in terms of our thoughts, we naturally create a hierarchy of power, believing that we should tell others how to operate. When we identify with our ideals, we think we are the most virtuous person in the room, believing we must enforce our sense of goodness on others. These attempts to assert, transact, or influence others to get what we want are not love at all. All these personality frameworks limit the expression of our Life, Light, and Love. The more we believe our defensive distortions, the more the personality becomes our framework for living a life without love. 

Distinguishing who we are creatively from our parents, and Higher Motives, Attractions, and Relationship Skills are how we bring out our best.

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Motives and transpersonal desires reveal the power of Radiant Self Unifying Love. Our contribution is a sharing of our Creative being. It is an invitation to show up more and synchronize our energy, time and space so we can learn from one another. It allows the transfer of creative skills, intellectual perspectives, and supports re-creation abilities but only occurs when we have mastered our autonomy, so we can consciously inter-connect without losing the uniqueness of our Creative Self. It is greatly facilitated when we use a Common Neutral Ground (CNG) to hold the relationship space separate from our personal space. This eliminates any reactions and establishes an equal space we can mutually define that works efficiently for every participant. As we stated previously, Autonomy is the abundant creation of boundaries for our energy, time and space,

Our Conscious Development is accelerated by clearing our personality beliefs and modality perceptions so we can powerfully use a Common Neutral Ground.

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Our experiential modalities (sensations, feelings, emotions and thoughts) can be enhanced when we integrate them into our personal perceptual field. Most individuals overdo, underdo or vacillate on each modality, preventing easy integration between all four. This is the source of our defensiveness and almost all of our conflicts. When we master our perceptual framework, it opens us up to transpersonal sharing of knowing, particularly Intuition, Straight Knowledge and Unity Thinking. Co-Creativity in this circumstance is easy. When we add the conscious tools of Motives, Attractions, Relationships Skills, and Compatibility Factors, our ability to manifest Radiant Self-Unifying love is fully empowered. All forms of Love are revealed and appreciated as part of a self-training process for those prepared to have conscious relationships. Find out more about Higher Alignment tools to determine how to make Radiant Self Unifying Love your everyday reality.

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