Making Love Real
— From The Wise Old Sage Commentaries
Comparing Personality Love To Radiant Self Unifying Love
Everyone seeks to be loved. We also want to love others. The problem is that when our personality and defenses get in the way of love, our needs place demands on others to be what we want them to be to receive our love. On a creative level, personality frameworks are unnecessary. When we accept ourselves as creatively complete, we have no need or desire to change others in any way. This means our love is also unified, complete and unconditional. We call this Radiant Self Unifying Love because it is sourced within us, and we are the actual beneficiaries of our contributions to others. Therefore, we call Higher Alignment: 1. A condition of close cooperation or shared intention where compati… (click the word for the full definition) a Top-Down, Inside Out consciousness-building, Transformation: 1. the ability to transcend our dualistic thought process and Em… (click the word for the full definition) process.
The difference between ‘falling’ in love and choosing love reflects our capacity to see beyond ourselves. Personality love amplifies our isolation, separation and insulation, believing we need others to augment our Safety: 1. maintaining a state of well being in this moment 2. driving force of … (click the word for the full definition), Security: 1. maintaining a state of well being through time 2. a driving force o… (click the word for the full definition) and self-importance. In contrast, Radiant Self Unifying Love creates connections to better contribute to others and the world. Radiant Self Unifying Love deals with all options because we are not trying to impress, negotiate, or control our Partner: 1. a person who takes part in some activity in common with another or o… (click the word for the full definition) to get what we want. Radiant Self Unifying Love is different because it contains few if any Personality Desires: 1. based on distorted experiential frameworks (sensations, … (click the word for the full definition). Instead, Conscious: 1. a state of presence that is aware of itself, self reflecting, and … (click the word for the full definition) individuals invest in discovering transpersonal desires where we can unify our purpose, combine our energy, and focus on bringing out the best in everyone involved.
The last difference is that personality love is in pursuit of the easiest path, which is why we fall in love and leave it up to fate. At the same time, Radiant Self Unifying Love requires self-conscious, creative understanding and the difficult process of learning by taking risks. This means personality love rewards hopes and dreams that fall apart quickly, while people in Radiant Self-Unifying Love choose partners based on demonstrated abilities that makes Conscious Relationships: 1. any type of relationship wherein both parties unders… (click the word for the full definition) easier as we learn what works. It takes Growth: 1. an evolutionary Aliveness or life building process 2. reflects an abi… (click the word for the full definition), Autonomy: 1. The fact or condition of being self-governed that allows us to sepa… (click the word for the full definition), Intimacy: 1. the state or fact of being Self-reflective and reflective of our pa… (click the word for the full definition) and co-creative development to put together the foundation of conscious loving relationships. This, combined with an Appreciation: 1. The acknowledgment of alignment in our intent with another 2. T… (click the word for the full definition) of Higher Alignment Motives: 1. the primary Intent behind thought, action and deed 2. primarily orga… (click the word for the full definition), Attractions and Compatibilities Factors, supports the development of Radiant Self Unifying Love.
Love as Sex, Possession and Objectification
Personality love is driven by the desire for pleasure, requiring Excitement: 1. being agitated on a physical level due to the belief that some in… (click the word for the full definition) (a distraction) to convince a partner that they want to be close to us. We use our own social isolation (Feeling: 1. commonly the experience of touching something 2. On a more complete… (click the word for the full definition) distanced) as a reason for our partner to choose us (because we think they are also isolated), despite mutual fears of being hurt. This is amplified by the guilt we feel at wanting what we want, knowing that it may not be completely agreeable to the other person. Sexual contact becomes the bait to overcome our hesitation and loneliness, and to Experience: 1. the apprehension and transformation of reality, circumstances, or… (click the word for the full definition) a momentary sense of closeness (orgasm). Excitement is triggered when our partner is like one of our parents, reflecting our incomplete parental pattern.
If a partner meets or exceeds our expectations, we believe they are willing to support us in healing from past, high-friction relationships. We fall in love because we seek a reason to convince us to stay, even though it is probably a false hope of safety. When we do fall in love, it creates the expectation that our partners will heal us regarding previously unexpressed parental Attention: 1. The ability to focus ourselves in a way where we are Present with … (click the word for the full definition), The acknowledgment of another for some way of being (click the word for the full definition) and understanding. We want them to show us that they believe in us, accept our way of doing things, and can express the love that was withheld from us. Most of all, we want them to affirm our natural creative spirit or Aliveness: 1. The capacity to engage others in a vibrant and awakened manner wit… (click the word for the full definition), which until now we have denied.
Excitement is the co-dependent agitation attraction that occurs when we are engaging parental partner substitutes. It reflects a mixture of fear and desire where we can be entranced by the possibility of pleasure. We are agitated by the familiar patterns of our partners, and they unconsciously remind us of our parents. We have mixed experiences of closeness with our partners being unsafe, even if we want safety more than anything else. Chaos and new experiences challenge our comfort, making it difficult to explore new options. Our conditioning (based on the familiar and unfamiliar) distorts our ability to accept our Life Energy: 1. the process of escaping our conditioning by expressing ourselves… (click the word for the full definition) expression and Intent: 1. a reflection of will, either personal or Universal, that defines our … (click the word for the full definition). Therefore, we end up objectifying others and being attracted to those who meet our appearance or ‘type’ standards. The problem is we do not question or examine if these factors are helping us to choose great partners.
On the Instinctive: 1. a non-reflective state of consciousness where we operate to guar… (click the word for the full definition) level, personality love is equated with sex, possessiveness, and pursuing objects of Outer Beauty: 1. the attraction to a person’s outer presentation or handsomene… (click the word for the full definition). The pursuit mode is affected by the volatile mixture of endorphins and dopamine with some serotonin. It frequently leads to jealousy and conflicts regarding intimacy as closeness and Independence: 1. condition or objective of defining oneself outside of the contr… (click the word for the full definition) as distance. This leads to misinterpretation about what attraction is and the degree to which we need to possess, subdue or degrade our partners to prevent them from hurting us anymore. In Higher Alignment, three types of sexual activity correspond to three ways we distance ourselves from our partner. Instead of Presence: 1. focusing on inner subtle energies layers where perceptions and the … (click the word for the full definition), we play our roles to keep ourselves from being hurt. This type of game-playing is expected.
Love as Conditional Exchange of Needs, Subjectification
On the Intellectual: 1. a dualistic framework where our positions reflect a partial vie… (click the word for the full definition) level, love is a negotiation where we present the benefits of having a relationship to offset the insecurities that show up in having or not having a partner. This reflects that we are seeking a companion who we need to feel will do what we say and listen to us. Protective love is what a provider offers to distract themselves from the fact that they cannot nurture themselves. Directive love is what a nurturer offers to distract themselves from the fact that they have no power to control their own circumstances. When love becomes a negotiation, how our partner responds to our suggestions provides either comfort or discomfort.
In co-dependent, opposite-attraction relationships, we seek to be with different types of individuals because we do not know who we are creatively. We want our partner to push us to be effective and successful based on an agreement about life goals and how much it would be easier if we accomplished them together. This means love is about the exchange of needs. If you have what I want, and I have what you want, then we should be successful. We, therefore, become hooked on the idea of covering all our bases by having a partner with an opposite skill set. While this may work initially, it also limits our ability to grow because growth would require us to expand into our partner’s zone of influence.
When there is a breach or the relationship becomes uncomfortable, we attempt to negotiate better terms. This is when the third type of conditional love emerges, called quid-pro-quo exchange, which means if you do this for me, I will do something for you. We fall in love with a partner when we believe they will put us first, or at least put our main goals first ahead of their own. And they do the same. The exchange of needs initially builds a sense of security, which speaks to the reliability and confidence we ultimately need to commit ourselves to a longer-term relationship.
Intensity is the co-dependent, shared discomfort-attraction that occurs when we are engaging opposite attraction partners on the intellectual level. Intensity produces time-compression, which limits both parties’ choices about things that they agree to do. It reflects our belief that compromise is inevitable and that we need to learn to live with our discomfort. Intensity is a mixture of fear and desire, with desire driving the process by defining everything in terms of our wants and needs. This forces us to do a lot more analysis regarding our ability to meet their expectations while they meet ours. We then attempt to make partners need us more, so we can leverage them. If we could sincerely complement our partners for how they make our lives better, it would elevate this personality expression of love to the next level. Unfortunately, our need for control minimizes this possibility. This subjectification distortion, where we need to be in charge, only serves to separate us more.
Defensive chemistry is about the perception of who wins or loses in the relationship. There are both overt and covert winners in a matchup. The idea is to leverage our wins to get what we want. Sometimes that leads to dominance/submission games. It exhausts us by amplifying our dopamine and then being hit by the combination of cortisol, causing fear of the difference and repulsion. The main indicator we are in this level of relationship is that we experience a love/hate relationship with our partners. The main problem is that co-dependence leads us to believe that we do not have better options to get where we want to go with another, particularly because of the investment we made. Therefore, these opposite attraction relationships are hard to break once we establish them.
Love as Ideals, 'Specialness' Idealization
On the idealized level, individuals choose partners to love because they think their belief in them will bring out their greatness. By believing in our vision and our partner’s vision, we mutually inflate our egos. Or one of the partners becomes the ideal that the other must live up to. Personality love (where we prove ourselves by how much we sacrifice ourselves for our partner) is about how much I make you feel important. This is accentuated by the bonding mind-chemical of oxytocin, where we temporally feel a state of euphoria. This reflective enchantment can be sustained for months when we meet individuals who possess some degree of Creative Alignment: 1. the experience of unity or oneness with another which ind… (click the word for the full definition), fit our type, and seem successful. This is when all of our personality forms of instinctive love, intellectual love, and idealized love are activated at once. To elevate our love, we have the consciousness to see beyond our personality attractions and chose partners based upon capacity to co-create with us.
The more we believe that we need our partners to be happy, the more influential they are. This leads to a lot of projections by our partner that create discomfort in us. Since a Projection: 1. a defensive framework where we are unwilling to accept our own we… (click the word for the full definition) only works when the receiver accepts the projections, this means our partners carry our shadow-side. Our Enmeshment: 1. an entangled state of being where we define ourselves mutually i… (click the word for the full definition) and need to be seen are at odds with our need to be perfect and adored by our partner. What makes this more difficult is when we want our partner to believe in our image, but it is false. This is the source of conflicts on the idealized level and makes our relationships very complicated. The redeeming value of this relationship is that we become more appreciative of creative similarities. This indicates that we are learning to strip away our Imprinting: 1. an acceptance mechanism used by infants and young children to ens… (click the word for the full definition) and Pretenses: 1. specialized roles we develop to enhance our ability to superficial… (click the word for the full definition) that cover up our authentic creative nature. It allows us to discover and show our true creative expressions, which enhances our ability to love our Self as we are, and thus to love our partner.
Radiant Self Unifying Love
Radiant Self Unifying Love defines how we show up when we want to contribute to someone. Loving someone is not a personality status program because when we consciously contribute to someone we love, it is not about currying favor but connecting. This means we cannot separate our creative nature from who we love. Our desire to be of service guides our choices, and we affirm our intent. By being ourselves with no imprinting, defenses, or pretenses, it reveals our natural Creative Being: 1. the unity of consciousness embodied as identification with ou… (click the word for the full definition). Being who we are is not only a gift to others but a gift to ourselves because we can love who we are as well. The most important element that makes this happen is that we no longer use our personality perspective of who we should be to demand respect, esteem, or love. Without any need or desire to negotiate, we show up with empty hands, willing to work on individual or co-creative projects.
This sense of humility comes from a natural recognition that our humanity can only reveal our greatness. The more human we are, the more loveable others will find us to be. This reflects that secrecy, hiding out, or any form of manipulation only destroys the possibilities of love. Instinctively, when we think we are objects, we try to possess our partners, which is our attempt to extract their creative essence because we have denied our own. When we define ourselves in terms of our thoughts, we naturally create a hierarchy of power, believing that we should tell others how to operate. When we identify with our ideals, we think we are the most virtuous person in the room, believing we must enforce our sense of goodness on others. These attempts to assert, transact, or influence others to get what we want are not love at all. All these personality frameworks limit the expression of our Life, Light, and Love. The more we believe our defensive distortions, the more the personality becomes our framework for living a life without love.
Motives and transpersonal desires reveal the power of Radiant Self Unifying Love. Our contribution is a sharing of our Creative being. It is an invitation to show up more and synchronize our energy, time and space so we can learn from one another. It allows the transfer of creative skills, intellectual perspectives, and supports re-creation abilities but only occurs when we have mastered our autonomy, so we can consciously inter-connect without losing the uniqueness of our Creative Self: 1. a state of Being of connection to the Universe where we natura… (click the word for the full definition). It is greatly facilitated when we use a Common Neutral Ground: 1. The capacity to create a neutral independent relations… (click the word for the full definition) (CNG) to hold the relationship space separate from our Personal Space: 1. the experience of being connected with others without having … (click the word for the full definition). This eliminates any reactions and establishes an equal space we can mutually define that works efficiently for every participant. As we stated previously, Autonomy is the abundant creation of Boundaries: 1. Becoming conscious of where you and others start 2. Developing a … (click the word for the full definition) for our energy, time and space.
Our experiential modalities (sensations, feelings, emotions and thoughts) can be enhanced when we integrate them into our personal perceptual field. Most individuals overdo, underdo or vacillate on each modality, preventing easy integration between all four. This is the source of our defensiveness and almost all of our conflicts. When we master our perceptual framework, it opens us up to transpersonal sharing of knowing, particularly Intuition: 1. a state of perception of the Self where our creative nature is hon… (click the word for the full definition), Straight Knowledge and Unity Thinking. Co-Creativity in this circumstance is easy. When we add the conscious tools of Motives, Attractions, Relationships Skills, and Compatibility Factors: 1. a set of creative distinctions which highlight differe… (click the word for the full definition), our ability to manifest Radiant Self-Unifying love is fully empowered. All forms of Love are revealed and appreciated as part of a self-training process for those prepared to have conscious relationships. Find out more about Higher Alignment tools to determine how to make Radiant Self Unifying Love your everyday reality.